verschwinden.

And I’m already staying up until ridiculous hours of the night, studying the drill, memorizing the drill, deciding where I should go (making up your own drill is sorta weird..)…etc.  It’s sorta sad, there are some sets in this drill where a field conductor is completely unnecessary..so I’m basically useless for the last three sets.  Oh, well.  I have to be somewhere…

It makes me sort of regret not practicing mace more, it would’ve been cool to do mace instead of uselessly conduct for the last three sets…but I’m already doing enough, anyway, and it should be about the band anyway, not the DM…

I’m glad we got the first song done, so we can really focus now on the harder stuff.  Being 6 feet high is pretty cool…you see everything.  No, legit, everything.  If one person doesn’t fit in the picture, you can see it.  I guess it’s good compensation for not have substantial stands.  The band sounds really good so far, I’m really looking forward to what we’re going to turn this halftime show into…

I hope PHS is excited for October 1st :]

Okay I was pissed last post.  I’m okay now.

Every night I take a deep breath and try to settle the thoughts I have, if I have the energy to, before I write in my journal.  I try to collect the eventful things that happened today, what I’d want to remember, what I might have to even censor in case some asshole decides to steal my journal and read it.

I was talking on the phone with Joanne today, and I pretty much summed up for her exactly what I wanted.  I love knowing.  I love knowing what I want, and then focusing on it.  Maybe flute isn’t working out as well as I thought it would because what I really want is not what I’ve been focusing on.  It makes sense…

But it’s not practical.

Within a span of a month, my eyes have been opened to a whole other realm of things, things I haven’t noticed, things I could’ve done, things I can still do to salvage my life, and even things people apparently have been saying about me (nothing bad though, yet).  I’ve been living in this bubble of a relationship for 2 years, I guess I’ve missed out on a lot because I really haven’t been focused on anything else…not that I regret that, though.  And I mean that honestly.  I don’t regret that at all.

Senior year hasn’t even started, and already I’m freaking out about this.  It’s so stupid, how I worry so much.  I probably shouldn’t worry.  Maybe my crappy schedule is a sign.  Maybe it’ll actually work out.  Usually tends to be the case, anyway.

How vague is this Tumblr post?  Just about as vague as all my others.

I’m done, damnit!  I just need to complain.

I’m so freaking tired of slaving away at the same few passages of various pieces and getting no where.  Honestly, I’ve been playing this passage since fucking sophomore year, and I still can’t get it right, let alone up to freaking tempo.  I mean, what the hell?  I’m putting my heart and soul and health into this fucking piece of metal, and nothing happens.  I haven’t improved all summer, despite me fucking practicing every day, with the exception of me going on vacation every now and then.  I mean, come on!  Hours and hours I play this fucking piece and it goes no where.  Actually, my tone is deteriorated at this point, I keep cracking when I get to the lower register and my high notes sound more shrill.  What the fuck is this?  This is insanity.  This is the one thing I really do for myself, playing this flute, and I’m not even good at that.  Evidently, I’m more successful at making sure everyone else is happy.

…I guess it’s time for me to get back to practicing that damn passage.

Part of me wants to, part of me doesn’t.  I’m in the process of morphing into a new person…and in the middle of that process, my old me is trying hard to hold on; the old me of unhealthy attachments and unnecessary emotional baggage.  When is too soon?  When is too late?  I guess I’m just afraid of finally closing that chapter of my life, because I’m afraid I won’t be able to open it again if by some miracle, I have to.  Maybe I’ve already closed it, but my old me is trying to open it again, just so I can have that feeling again.  I’ve lost that feeling.  It was the best feeling in the world.

I’ve been blocking out a lot of feelings besides hurt, though.  People are right, it is easier that way.  Life’s easier when lived happier, at least in my case it is.  But now I’m actually afraid of feeling anything, for anything or anyone, except music.

It’s August 24th…and I’m cold.

I’ve been listening to the halftime show pretty much non-stop since this Sunday.  I really like every song in this show…the brass has such a great part this year…lucky!  But it’s okay, I’m lucky, too.  The way this all turned out was interesting and oddly fitting…

I mean, I’m conducting the first and third songs, which are more aggresive and in your face.  The other two songs are more fun, light-hearted, and soft, which Tai is conducting.  It fits our personalities, right?  I guess we even each other out…which, of course, is a good thing.

But I’m not saying that I’m going to be an aggressive bitch.  I mean, I can if someone drives me up the wall, but I try my hardest to be as patient as I can before I have to resort to that.  I’m hoping that I don’t have to reprimand people this year as often as I had to last year, but I’m guessing I probably won’t since all the people I yelled at pretty much graduated.

The band sounded pretty good for their first rehearsal…I was so happy the entire rehearsal.  Hearing this all come to life…sort of actually makes me reconsider me debating on being a music teacher or not…Hmm..

Nah, I’ll always like acting more.

But I might still be happy a music teacher.  Who knows.

My sister is lightly sautéing some frozen pierogies once she’s done teaching her student.  As for me, I’m just waiting here, doing nothing…I should be doing something productive though, like say conducting the halftime show…but I’ve conducted it so many times. I’ve got this under by belt.

I start my summer reading and AP summer assignment cram tomorrow.  Oh my…

My makeup is staring at me through the plastic box it is currently contained in.  To wear or not to wear makeup.  On one hand, it’s super fun to play around with makeup.  On the other hand, I’m not that good with it, so I might just end up making myself look like a complete fool…and I think I look pretty decent without makeup…so I guess my decision is pretty clear.  Looks like today I won’t be taking any risks.

I’m gonna go check my horoscope now.

But I guess that means I just have faith in people in today’s society.  Good and bad thing, I guess.  It takes more effort to be paranoid.  Ignorance is bliss?  But I’m not ignorant…I just give people the benefit of the doubt.  I don’t like to underestimate people and think so negatively.  So there.

In preparation for tomorrow, I have the same four songs playing in rotation.  WHO CAN GUESS WHAT THEY ARE?! :]

painting my toenails make me so happy?  Who knows…

I’m gonna eat ice cream.  I don’t care that its midnight, I’ll burn it all next week during band camp :]

Speaking of which, music rehearsals start this Tuesday.  I have to make sure my conducting is perfect -__-  One mistake and I won’t hear the end of it.

It’s sort of nerve wracking to hear how great people think you are, even though it is quite the compliment (and I appreciate it, to everyone who has told me so).  It just packs on even more pressure than I already have on myself…then again, if I couldn’t handle it, then wouldn’t be in this position, now would I?  I’ll be fine.

Ice cream and then conducting.  Life’s pretty good :]

My feelings are all over the place.  I’m overwhelmed with my mental list of things to do and I feel like I’m drowning.  The Jenga blocks fell and I’m trying desperately to dig myself out of the rubble.  On top of that, I feel like I’m getting sick.  Sore throat and a fever.  But my new life begins tomorrow, whether I’m ready or not.  I’ll probably be fine.

Sincerely,
Chrysten 

I’m fucked.

First day of work tomorrow, hello!

To the tumblr reader who posted on my formspring, thank you. :]

I’m going to go re-memorize my contract script and rate chart now.

So Tyler made me chocolate chip pancakes, we watched Seinfeld, installed my half-Mac, cleaned my room, and then took a final picture together.  Pretty good for a last day, in my mind.  Closure.

I cried for about 3 seconds after he left, then realized I had nothing to be heartbroken about.  I’m not losing him completely.  It was hard filtering out old e-mails and remembering how infatuated  he used to be with me, but sometimes you just have to keep your head up and plow through it all.  I try hard not to dwell on things that can’t be changed, but it doesn’t always work.  For now, it’s working.

I’m just trying to be optimistic.  Usually, I just remember all the negative moments about things…but right now, when I look back at our relationship, all I can think of are the positive moments that helped us to grow and learn.  And I’m quite thankful for that.

I’m less an than hour away from leaving for Florida.  I come home the day Tyler leaves for Cornell.  Harr harr.  Maybe I’ll buy a USB microphone so we can video chat, and I’ll figure out how to get my webcam to work on this half-Mac.  Hmm..

So I guess all in all, I’m okay for now.  I got the closure I wanted, and I’m not losing anything completely.  After my wake up call back in June, things have been getting easier, and I have Tyler to thank for that completely.  That and my half-Mac and my now very clean room.  Life’s pretty good at the moment.

Who says ex’s can’t be best friends?

Ohhh my God.  Oh my God. Oh my God.  I’m fuuhhhhhreaking out.  I don’t know if I’m ready.

No, just kidding.  I’m not freaking out.  But the second part is true.

I should really only stick to one dinner.  Eating two dinners is probably not very healthy…but is it bad to enjoy my own cooking that much? Hehh…

My major and harmonic minor scales are at quarter note = 112, WHAT NOW?!  Yeah it’s not that fast, but they’re clean!  Quality over quantity, right? …or in this case, mechanics (that’s the category they use for Regions/All-State judging, I believe..).

There’s a lady on Iron Chef right now that has a French accent :D

I’m gonna stop for tonight, if I can.

Love that show.

Yesterday, I had quite the wonderful day today.  My little nephew turned 1 today, and lovely Tyler came home from California today and came over tonight.  Despite the fact I was miserable during church (I believe I told Carlo multiple times today that I wanted to die…exaggeration, of course, I was unbelievably tired.), today was great.  I was expecting today to go badly, but it actually went well.

Senior year.  The single most asked question.  ”Are you excited?!?!?!”

NO!  I’ll leave it at that.

Today wasn’t as great, but you can’t have everything.  I’m hoping for a more productive day tomorrow, but that depends on if my internet and motivation are on a roll at the same time.

I’ve wasted so much time.  I know I’m not supposed to dwell on what I could’ve done, but I just need to get it off my chest.  I should’ve practiced more.  I’m completely screwed for every audition at this point.  I don’t even see the point in applying to Ithaca anymore.  I couldn’t get past my first scale.  It was pretty bad..

Confession!  I feel like I’ve lost a good amount of my friends over the summer.  And to you, personwhopissedmeofftdaybutyoudontknowit, I give up.  I know you won’t text me back to work on it together.  I accepted that and started it on my own.  Enjoy the rest of your summer.

…four days????

For my little nephew’s 1st birthday party tomorrow.

First topic to bitch about:
I’m tired of seeing the stereotypical teen chick flick by ABC Family.  I don’t think it does the actresses/actors justice on their parts, those roles don’t challenge by any means…at least, in my opinion.  I mean, for me, it’s more challenging to act out a monologue as a grown business woman, as opposed to a free-spirited, perfectly sweet, but rebellious teenager..who will fall in love with some hunky tool, have to break up with him, but end up with him anyway…

I don’t know…well, I sorta do.  I know that if I were ever to the point where I can pick and choose the movies and roles I want to act as, I’d only choose serious roles.  But that’s just me.

Next topic to rant about..I believe I actually told you to your face, “you suck at texting, I’m not texting you anymrore.  If you want to text me, you text me first”….yeah, I was sorta serious.  -____-  Why do I want to be friends with you so badly?  Vielleicht…es lohnt sich??  Wieder, ist egal.

Next topic.
I miss being someone’s priority.

Lastly.
I need to get off the internet.  I’m so close to having the first movement of my new college piece up to tempo.

I’ll practice once Mean Girls is over.

I read Jill’s reblog about holding hands.  It’s so true.  I always knew having someone hold my hand meant a lot to me, but I never could really put into words why it was.  That blog basically summed it up.  If only I read it about 12 or so months ago…

I was motivated until I read that post, motivated to work on APs and practice like crazy, but reading that made me feel something I’ve been trying to push away this whole summer.  8 days.  The fact I can actually count the amount of time left on my fingers is a little unsettling.

And to Carlo, if you read this, you know I’m all about closure.

So little time, so little time, so little time…for everything, really.

I’ll probably turn into an emotional vegetable in 8 days.  But whatever.  Shit happens and I’ll grow from it when the time comes.

You’ve never had a problem with me practicing late at night.  My sister always practiced this late, even later, and you never had a problem with it.  Now, I’m up, practicing for college, and you tell me to stop?  I guess I won’t get into college, then.  Waking up earlier won’t do anything, my body is trained to function best this late at night, you can thank school for that.

Besides, I don’t just laze around the house the entire day.  I do whatever you tell me to do, I wash the dishes (I won’t do them tonight because you pissed me off.  I’ll do them tomorrow morning before I leave…but that’s besides the point), do the laundry, and I iron all of my clothes myself.  I can’t remember the last time I had you iron a pair for concert pants for me, let alone an entire concert outfit.  Oh, and I ironed my sister’s clothes, too, because I’m fucking nice.

I know, you do a lot for me, yadda yadda, but let me at least get my two cents in.  I’m quitting dance, something I’ve been doing before I knew I wanted to play the flute, because you want me to, because you’re anticipating I’m going to go to Ithaca and you want to save money.  Reasonable.  Well, then don’t tell me to stop practicing.  I finally found the motivation to practice because I’ve felt like complete shit this whole night, and you tell me to stop.  It’s like me telling you not to dust the coffee tables in the living room after you’ve finished vacuuming it.

I know I was cranky with you all night when you were trying to give me advice (I’m sorry), but I just wasn’t in the mood to take in criticism tonight, whether it be constructive or not.  I need to get out.  I’ve been trapped at home without a car and it freaking sucks.  Not like I have anywhere to go, but I’d like to have the option…

Hm.  Why was I in such a bad mood tonight?  Well no one reads this anyway so I’ll keep on ranting.  It may take up space in your dashboard, but it helps me.  You can simply keep scrolling down.  Go on.

I was pissed because I’m trying to make a new friendship with someone.  Well not new, more like get closer with this friend, because he’s very valuable to me.  I want to get to know him more and I always have fun with him whenever we are together in class.  So the whole summer, I’ve been texting him.  Sorta.  If you consider an exchange of 5 texts back and forth legit.  He know’s exactly what I’m going through and how I feel about it, and he tell’s me he’s worried about me.  Good friend (no sarcasm).  But then, I tried something.  I didn’t text him for a while to see if he’d take the initiative to text me first.  He didn’t.  Then I realized, I’m not doing this anymore.  I’m not going to start the conversations anymore.  I’m not going to reach out to someone if they’re not going to willingly reach back.  I’ve had enough of that.  You obviously don’t want to talk to me, so I’m not going to force you to do anything.  But I’m worth it, damnit! I think I’m a pretty good friend!  Reach back, goddamn you, reach back!

It’s a combination of that and ironing.  Ironing is just so tedious and annoying, especially if it’s not your own clothes.

Listening to Sophie Madeleine.  I’m out.